WickedEye's Quotient

3/31/2012 at 22:35


Greetings, my comfits. Since I have no available mental resources for coherent commentary (meaning essays) and yet have large amounts of stress/spleen to vent, I’m up to my oldest tricks—Smartassery and the English Language. In my search for new ways to combine the two, I bring you:
The Inigo Montoya Take on Ten Words Sumi Hates
1. Private writing is one thing—published writing, whether web or print, another.
2. Corollary: Email/private correspondence is your own business. Unless, of course, it’s with me.
3. If English is your second-or-onward language, none of this applies to you.
4. No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds.

Alright: Because putting in the extra ‘l’ and a space makes you sound like one of those overeducated, stuck-up snobs who passed third-grade English.

Attitude: Because there’s nothing more descriptive of someone’s mental position, demeanor or emotion than the word used to describe those categories of description.

Guesstimate: Because using a word that means ‘approximate’ doesn’t begin to cover the depths of your inattention.

Ironic: Because it takes work to come up with an adjective that actually fits (paradoxical, acidic, tragic, oxymoronic, bitter) rather than abusing a word of whose primary meaning 90% of people are ignorant. (As opposed to the meaning listed dead last—the dictionary slot that’s all but labeled ‘ignorant slang’. Morissette, you’re a twit.)

Irregardless: Because there’s no better way to show off your verbal sophistication than through use of a word which, through being a double negative, invalidates the rest of your sentence.

*Metrosexual: Because normal straight men are schlubs who wear sweatpants to social events and think Armani makes reciprocating saws.

Orientate: Because adding a superfluous suffix to a useful verb (orient) somehow placates your sensibilities at the vaguely colonial flavor of the term. (And allows you to tack on more spurious syllables later—see 'disorientated'.)

Parameter: Because (mis)using a mathematical term to denote a set of criteria for your Google+ Circle (Facebook group, Halo Chart board) makes it sound important.

Quadrilogy: Because reviving a word for a group of four dramatic works that was marginal in the 19th century, rather than using current words (quartet, tetralogy), sells more X-Men & Saw DVDs.

Quantum: Because using a word for a miniscule quantity of a thing (energy, state…idea) is the best way to denote an enormous or unusual action. (Belisarius, your ass is mine.)

*This word isn’t misused or a mutant. Its existence is merely insulting and pointless.

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